I think it's high time we started requiring people to acquire licenses for walking, similar to driver's licenses. This would ensure that these schmucks clogging up hallways and sidewalks would be summarily executed marginalized. Anyway, here is my plan.
Young children can get away with walking unlicensed for a little while, but after the age of 14, every person will be required to attend a series of classes in walking. This would cover a range of topics including:
- How to always move to the right side of the hall and only move toward the left when passing others
- How to always sidestep to the right if you are approaching somebody walking toward you, rather than dance side-to-side foolishly
- How to walk in a [god damn] timely manner.
- How to walk and eat at the same time
This, of course, is not a complete list, but you get the idea. After completing the requisite classes, legal walker hopefuls will need to complete a written and practical exam. After that, you are fully licensed to walk. There will be none of that walker's permit silliness, where you have to walk with your parents for an ungodly long number of hours before getting a full license. You get it right after the test.
Enforcement will be strict. You will required to present a walker's license whenever trying to purchase shoes. If you are caught trying to purchase shoes for an unlicensed person, you will be punished in a similar way to purchasing booze for minors. Likewise, super-local cops, like campus police or mall security, will be on the lookout for suspicious walkers and will have the right to pull anyone over and ask to see their walker's license. You may still be fined for walking like a prick, but it would not be as severe as not having a walker's license.
