Is it just me, or are finding virgin sacrifices for the volcano gods getting harder and harder to come by? Part of this, I suppose, has to do with the economy. Early on, I used to be able to visit the local college's literary club, computing club, or some other abstinence-assuring organization and abduct as many virgins as the gods desired. Now with this crummy economy, the market is flooded with cheap prostitutes, so even these dweebs can get a little tail. It's so frustrating when I make a sacrifice to the gods only to find out afterward that the person wasn't actually a virgin. Talk about embarrassing. The gods get pissed! All of this child safety fear-mongering is having an effect, as well. I used to be able to stroll into a school and snatch one of the teacher elected hall-monitors. Now, they hardly even let the students out of the classrooms. I blame those school shooters, who do nothing for the planet but make the gods angry. I need to find a new source of virgins to sacrifice. The gods aren't as patient as they used to be.

Look people, I'm just trying to help you. I understand that you are worried for the future of your self, your family, and your friends. I want to tell you that I am too. I voluntarily take up the job of gruesomely sacrificing supple virgins to appease the gods so they do not start destroying the planet. It's getting harder, and the gods are getting angry that their virgin supply is dwindling. You can sense it in the world around you. If you truly want to help the world as a whole: send me as many virgins as you can, and I will happily sacrifice them to the gods in due time. No fat chicks. Men need not apply.

I have finally done it. I have identified the job that I want to aspire to. It came to me while I was watching a commercial. At the very end of the advert, it said something along the lines of "if you call in the next twenty minutes you'll get [an additional serving of completely useless crap you don't need]." It's so obvious that I'm amazed I didn't notice it before. There has to be a person at these advertising companies that actually has to count for twenty minutes after the commercial's conclusion for the people answering the phone. I'm picturing a bit like the beatmaster on a slave galley. He sits at the head of the cube farm and keeps the time. "There are fifteen minutes left! Push the sale!" "Seven minutes folks! Start using that hold button to push them over!" "We're at two minutes! Stall! Stall!" As soon as that twenty minute mark passes, he blows a big rams horn signaling that the sale opportunity has passed and the price has returned to its normal level.

Of course, the job is probably far more complicated, but I think I can do the challenge. I have to keep track of all the commercial airings in the country and organize the phone answering peons by commercial airing zone. I'd have a large evil villain-like electronic map with timers for all the regions. I'll cackle maniacally as the timer for a certain region reaches twenty minutes. A grin will spread on my face as I think of those poor sods who foolishly did not call immediately. Oh yes, it would be well worth the effort. I just have to figure out who to talk to.