Hey there, listeners. You're tuned in to 102.3 FM, The Jimbo. It's coming up on 5 o'clock, so it's time for traffic. How are the roads looking out there, Jimbo?

Well, as you know, The Rapture occurred about an hour ago, so the roads are positively a mess all around the DC metro area. Cars emptied of their occupants are blocking lanes along the entire beltway and we have reports of several accidents from speeding cars suddenly losing their drivers. Traffic is also bad Downtown, as some people realize they were not among The Chosen and decide to go on a godless killing spree, littering the roads with bodies resulting in further slowdowns. The suburban areas, so far, are moving at speed, but volume is already increasing as those remaining flock to churches in a last ditch effort to repent for their evil ways. Let us not forget our regular rush hour backups where traffic was already at a crawl near the Springfield Interchange and the 270 Spur. That's your 102.3 traffic, up to the minute, here on 102.3 FM, The Jimbo. Now, back to music!

I find myself in a rather unique position when it comes to this movie. You see, I'm one of the only human beings on the planet who never saw the original Karate Kid movie(s), so I would get to enjoy the film without constantly trying to compare it to the past. This is very fortunate since the movie itself is so awful that any attempt to taint my nostalgia would probably result in some deceased theatre-goers.

The movie revolves around little Jaden Smith, who proudly inherited his father's inability to act, moving to China for reasons that are, frankly, completely unimportant and only referenced once in the entire movie. After flirting with an adorable Chinese girl who was probably three feet taller than him, he is confronted by a bunch of bullies and summarily turned into ground beef. This was probably the highlight of the movie for me since it wiped Smith's sad puppy-dog expression off of his face. Noticing the little one in need of assistance, he is trained in martial arts by a drunken pedophile who likes to hold him and watch him train without a shirt on.

The weirdest part about the movie is how the actual "karate kid" part of The Karate Kid was over in about five minutes. I hope you all know what this means. It's time for a montage! Seriously, aside from the training montage, the rest of the movie was droll filler that left, no joke, the kid sitting next to me sleeping in his chair. I could hardly blame him. The movie was so boring that I wished I had my DS with me. If anyone tried to hush me, it would probably be because they were trying to nap.

Also, the one who decided on the soundtrack needs to be drawn, hanged, and quartered. The song selection had no relation to the movie whatsoever. It was almost as if the guy pulled a random CD from his daughter's Kidz Bop collection and just choose the songs on the back of the case. The only other time I could think of such a disjointed soundtrack was The Graduate's best of Simon and Garfunkel. At least Simon and Garfunkel music is bearable.

As I was leaving the theatre stewing in my own distaste, I tried to make the petty excuse that it was a "family movie" and should be considered more leniently. This thought barely had time to finish before I swatted it away. Being a family movie does not require leniency. Pixar movies are living proof of that. I'm not even sure that it's supposed to be a family movie, anyway, considering how much Jaden curses like a sailor.

I went in to the theatre hoping to watch a movie about a little underdog building up his strength until he can topple Ivan Drago in the ring. What I got was a boring movie about Jaden Smith throwing puppy dog eyes around begging for attention and a five-minute montage. It earns a paltry 5.012882 / 10.23. Sigh… I remember a time when Jackie Chan used to be in good movies.

(Note: This post is best read as flamboyantly as possible)

Oh. My. God. You two are just a fashion disaster! Just look at the clothes you're wearing. Faux pas~ Oh! I just do not know where to begin. Okay, tell you what, I'll start with you, handsome. I don't know if you realized this, but we're in the early summer. What are you doing dressing like you're going to hit the bars of Wasilla in February? Do I even want to ask why both the bottom AND the top of your coat are unzipped? I suppose it does provide easier access to your Happy Frank, but it looks simply awful! Also, the seventies called and they want their calculator watch back. It is just beyond me why you would wear it on the outside of your jacket. Fashion and utility are non-overlapping magistrates, cutie. And I definitely think they need to execute capital punishment for anyone who tucks their pants into their shoes. No, no, no, don't even get me started on your Marty McFly shoes. Let's just leave it at that!

Don't you start relaxing, sister! Mmm-mmm, I can understand his abominable fashion sense; he is just a man, after all. You don't have any excuse, though. Before I start with my bitching tirade, let me just say I'm glad you dressed for the weather. Sweety, you better take a tip from your lady-friend here. Now! Where should I be~gin? Oh… I know just where to start. EVERYTHING! Ah, it is just making me faint looking at you. One-hit KO, sister. Daisy Dukes? Really? My. God. What did you use to shorten them, anyway? A boxcutter? You look like some kind of hooker from Georgia. And let me tell you, the hair does not help the image. What did YOU have to do to your hat to make that Medusa do fit, anyway? Cut the back out? Two words for you, sweety: poker visor. Ah! I can't even picture that. Dreadful~ Lose the hair or just go without a hat. Yes, that would be the best idea, honey. And just what kind of color combination are you going for here? Pink on black? Emo My Little Pony? Why you would even need to use pink with your construction boots… tcha! Beyond me~

Oh! I better stop there. I am all of a flutter! You two: go and change before I throw a fit. What is this world coming to?

As some of you may recall from earlier in the year, I was harshly critical of the first episode of Angel Beats! in my anime season overview. It was awkward, hurried, unstable, and a few other derogatory adjectives. I was almost certain that the series would start at the apex of this down-facing rubbish heap and continue to ride down the path of melancholy. Well, I suppose it's time for me to step up to the buffet line and get served a large, steaming plate of crow. My enjoyment of the series has significantly improved since that abysmal pilot. Mmm… that's good crow!

To me, the first episode can be compared to the first comic of Calvin & Hobbes. Sure, it sort of started things off and gave an initial, albeit awkward, explanation of events, but after going through the rest of the content and connecting with the characters and story, I found it to be completely superfluous.

It's not a perfect series by any measure, of course. Three of the other series I'm watching this season still beat it out, but it has gotten better. Each episode or two seems to turn its focus toward one of the characters, their issue with death, and why they insist on killing God(s). There's nothing wrong with this approach, in principle; however, they seem oddly focused on completely unimportant characters. It's entertaining, but it still feels weird when so few of the main characters get fleshed out. I'm most interested in hearing the story behind the smack-talking TK421. Why on earth does he only seem to speak in David Bowie lyrics?

Probably the best move Key could've done was shift the focus half-way through to the silent superpower Kanade Angel Tenshi Tachibana III, Esq.  I'm always drawn to this character archetype, so the change earned the series several bonus points. Knowing Key, though, they'll probably have her contract some kind of illness or kill her off near the end. Key doesn't mess around.

Now that I have finished my plate of crow and collected my serving of humble pie, I can say to everyone that, in my opinion, Angel Beats! has graduated from  "abattoir refuse" quality to the rather crowded "average" level. If this continuing slope of improvement continues, I might actually see a decent ending coming out of this, but I'm certainly not counting on it. I was disappointed too many times before. Still, maybe it will give birth to another one of these posts. How does Angel Beats! Revolutions sound?

In three more days, I will go on travel for two days to attend a post-graduation peer convention. Attendance is strictly invite-only and the current attendee list includes members from various academic fields. Items on the agenda will include several experiments measuring the trajectory of various foam dart rapid relocation devices and extended psychological research using electronic hand-eye coordination evaluation tools. Time permitting, there may also be showings of research films relevant to attendee's interests. The convention is slotted to extend into the night, and experiments will be ongoing until the subjects reach exhaustion. Calorie and nutrient delivery vectors will likely be made available to attendees for the length of the convention.

This morning was an interesting morning for me, emotionally. It all occurred during my daily commute to work, so you can probably see where this is going. While sluggishly advancing along in morning highway traffic, I was cut off… twice. The second time was especially infuriating because the black SUV driver cut me off after he drove on the shoulder for several metres to pass the traffic jam. I was one car-length away from freedom! That guy must have either testicles the size of grapefruits or a conscience the size of a pea (maybe both). You see, things like this are why I don't believe in God. If God was just and gave half a toss about me, He would've lifted this prick bodily into Heaven then dropped him unceremoniously through the Space Needle.

Needless to say, I was in a frothing rage after I got off of the highway and wound my way down the smaller roads. This was not helped by three wide-load trucks hogging the left lane, presumably hauling the SUV driver's mom (oh snap!). Now, a white pickup in front of me must've had a similar morning since we both dove for the right lane at the exact same time. We began accelerating and squeezing between the truck's cargo and the curb. This was easy enough for me and my tiny Japanese sedan that can comfortably fit approximately one-third of a person, but the pickup wasn't much skinnier than the wide-load trucks it was passing. We were just about the pass the third and final truck when the pickup's side mirror slammed into a person's mailbox. I don't know what the pickup driver was thinking immediately afterwards (he kept driving, so it's entirely possible he didn't give a poop), but, for me, the world seemed to move in slow motion. All of the rage and hate melted away as the mailbox spun through the air and bounced on the ground as if I was in a real-life version of Garry's mod. It was beautiful and put just the biggest smile on my face.

It was in the year of Our Lord 2001, when Smash Mouth reigned supreme and Aqua was a thankfully forgotten speck on the road behind, that a quaint CG-film known as Shrek deigned appear across the land. It had a star-studded cast and featured an entertaining, nostalgic story. Its shotgun-like approach to audience pandering ensured that it was enjoyable to all viewers. I consider it one of the best movies to come out in the double-0 decade.

While the graphics look positively 8-bit in this day and age of blu-ray and goofy 3-D glasses, they were rather hoity-toity about nine years ago. However, they do not detract one bit from the enjoyment. I still hold it as the pinnacle of CG facial expressions. The writing was top notch, too. The story was essentially a satire of every fairy tale cliché ever made, but managed to weave a fairy tale of its own in the process. The characters were all given distinct personalities, and, most importantly, they all bounced off of each other in the funniest ways possible.

Shrek is great. If you haven't seen it yet, you should be ashamed. It may not be very entertaining to read a review for something that's good, but this movie is perfect in just about every way.

… And then they made a sequel.

What the hell happened? Gone was the nostalgic satire of days gone by, replaced by a cut-and-paste plot that was done a million times before. The main characters from the first movie were already fleshed out and not capable of supporting a movie on their own, while the new characters were all as bland as dirty dishwater and half as likeable. All I can think is that they had a plot for a completely different movie written up, then decided to just import the characters from the first Shrek in the hope of making that lightning strike again.

… And then they made a third one!

I didn't actually so this one. Pessimist that I am, I know it will be rubbish.

… And just recently they made a fourth one.

You can tell a series is stagnating when the best selling point they can offer is that it will be the last one.

I'm sure if I close my eyes and try very hard, I can make myself believe that the first Shrek is the only one.

"Please stop making these movies..."

At work, I was given two squirt bottles of antibacterial handrub for my desk. At the grocery store, they have free sheets of antibacterial hand wipes. In public restrooms, they have antibacterial hand soap. You do realize what's going on, right? This is genocide!

You see, regular soap, by itself, does not kill bacteria. It simply and humanely removes them from your hands and body. They are washed down the drain where they can do no further harm to anybody. These antibacterial items go much further and coldly slaughter all of these living creatures. It is absolutely barbaric. It's not enough that you want to forcefully evict the bacteria from their home (your hand), but you have the sheer audacity to kill them in order to do so. Most all of the bacteria are harmless civilians, and they are getting murdered in the most torturous way. All of these alcohol-based antibacterial things strip the bacteria of their skin and have their entrails roll out. It's disgusting. All of you clean freaks should be ashamed! You are the Hitler of our age.

(This message brought to you by the Jimbo Bacteria Consortium)

Hand bacterium magnified 1000x

I'm not sure I get H ("ecchi") anime. I can understand the need for panty-shots and tissue paper clothing to make up for the lack of story and likeable characters, but I'm just not sure why they even need to exist. Whenever I see one of these series, I'm reminded of a George Carlin joke from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops involving fruit-flavored tea. He reasoned that if it's fruit flavor one is after, then one should play it safe and get some fruit. If it was tea flavor you desired, then go ahead and get some tea. Tea has a tea flavor and should not be sought out when fruit flavor is what you desire.

Here is the way I see it: If I wanted some saucer-eyed anime cuties to help me make my tissue box lighter, I would go for some anime pornography. Anime pornography is fairly reliable for this kind of thing. If I wanted a good story with some entertaining characters, I would watch a clean series. H anime is a bit like the fruit-flavored tea. It's an artificially porn-flavored series. You can sort of taste the flavor, but it ultimately isn't the best source of material for a single-handed waltz around the ballroom.

As the great George Carlin put it, "there are no tea-flavored fruits[.] Take a clue from nature."

Happy holiday everyone! I hope you all had as much fun drawing Mohammed today as I did!