Happy birthday America! Your grey hairs are starting to show, but I still love you anyway. I found this little snippet on, of all places, 4chan. Go figure.

There's a certain behavior that I would like to add to the canon of proper social etiquette. Here's what I want: If a person walks past another in a hall and it's possible to still smell the other's perfume/cologne from three metres behind, it should be perfectly acceptable to turn around and say to the other person, "gee, do you really smell so bad naturally that that much anti-stink liquid is needed to keep it down?"

Truly, I don't see why the public doesn't do this already. People should be commended for helping others by alerting them of their horrendous stench.

Maybe it doesn't catch on for the same reason telling someone they have a big nose isn't thoughtful: there isn't anything the person can immediately do to fix it. If they come in to work smelling like the fell into the raw sewage of an artificial fruit flavouring manufacturer, they can't just brush it off like they would lint on the shoulder. They would have to shower, change, and, if they're feeling daring, apply a more reasonable amount of Masque de Stenche.

Of course, this will never happen, because humanity doesn't like the truth.

I have a serious problem with narrators in anime. This has been building for some time, accelerated during the last season, and came to a head this season with Ookami-san to Shichinin no Nakamatachi (Ookami-san). I can think of no series where I thought, "gee, this story and dialogue was great and kept things structured, but if they included a calm-voiced old-lady narrator, it would be much improved." That never happens. Occasionally, some series employ a narrator to explain back story or try to put a little more spin on the message, but they act more like MCs than narrators describing the obvious; Princess Mononoke and Aoi Bungaku are good examples. Outside of those few examples, most of the great series shine their brightest without a narrator.

Ookami-san displays the greatest breakdown of narrator worthlessness. Every single thing the invisible old-lady said was, at best, inane or, at worst, worthless. Most of what she said could've been implied from the character's actions or setting. The rest was just a repeat of what the characters had said less than three lines ago. In one scene, a character is introduced by another, only to have the narrator reintroduce her at the very next line! I could practically feel my brain cells committing suicide from the sheer insults to my intelligence. The most memorable slap in the face came about seven minutes in after we saw the two lead characters beat up a bleached-hair thug in an alley. It was stunningly obvious that these two characters were the leads, but the narrator had the sheer gall to tell me, after all of that, that those two characters were, indeed, the main characters. As the marketing head for a practical joke company said in a presentation for a new constipation powder, "no shit!" It's disgusting, and looking back at recently passed series, it looks like a trend that's only getting worse. I'm worried for what autumn has in store for me.

by Jimbo
Jimbo News Network - Political Correspondent

Not so loud...

After the recent World Cup draw, President Barack Obama and English Prime Minister David Cameron followed through on their informal wager to trade their nation's best beer. The brands of beer, however, were largely forgotten over the day's festivities. Several hours and multiple beer brands later, the two government heads continued trading their countries best examples of citizen stereotypes, world leader impersonations, and Polish jokes. Much of JNN's live broadcast needed to be bleeped due to the frequent use of barely coherent profanity.

Around sunset, each leader opted to give a speech to the people. While it was difficult to transcribe the two's slurred speech, it is believed President Obama pinned the blame for the BP spill on Cameron, while the Prime Minister said it was the fault of shoddy American builders. The two did not talk to each other for several minutes, but resumed friendly relations when Secretary of Defence Robert Gates brought in his copy of The Beatles Rock Band.

The summit came to a conclusion after Prime Minister Cameron passed out during a third round of Octopus's Garden. President Obama wore a smug look for the remainder of the evening.

Both leaders called out sick the following morning.

Teach the controversy

Dear Internet Users,

Please refer to the following list so that I will not have to gather you all up and smack you across the forehead one at a time for writing like complete schmucks.

1. Learn when to capitalize letters – There are lots of rules for this, so let me just cover the basics.
   • You capitalize the first letter of a sentence. This is not optional. If you want to look smug, you can try using semicolons. Be warned, I know how to use them too.
   • You capitalize the first letter of a proper noun. To put it simply, you capitalize the first letter to names. Most pronouns do not require capitalization save for referring to yourself with "I" or when using a pronoun referring to Me.
   • Capitalizing all of the letters in your writing can be excessive. It might make it appear that you are yelling, but it also makes a reader slow down and makes you look like a whiny prick.
2. Learn the difference between there, their, and they're
   • "There" refers to a location (ex. The gas chambers you need to shower in are over there.)
   • "Their" is a possessive pronoun for more than one person (ex. Their writing will be burned in those furnaces.)
   • "They're" is a contraction of "they are". (ex. They're going to anger the Fuhrer if they keep screwing up.)
3. Learn the difference between your and you're
   • "You're" is a contraction of "you are". (ex. If you keep making mistake, you're going to really piss me off.)
   • Your is a possessive second-person pronoun (ex. Your lack of knowledge is showing.)
4. This doesn't have much to do with proper grammar, but using Internet abbreviations and emoticons is not cute. If you can't show your emotion in your writing, rewrite until it is made clear.
5. Proofread your writing. That is all.

I understand the primary language for some Internet users is not English, and I will make an exception for them. I know I don't know any other languages, so I have no room to complain. Everyone else, however, needs to learn the rules. Arbeit macht frei!

Sincerely,
Heir Jimbo

After my previous, highly-successful video game list post (a whopping four comments!), I decided to post up another potentially controversial series of lists for one of the most beloved game series of all time: The Legend of Zelda. This series of games has a special place in my heart, lots of fond (and sometimes not so fond) memories, and a track record of usually releasing decent games. Of course, everyone knows that already, so let me just carry on with some lists.

My Top Five Favorite Zelda Games:
5. The Wind Waker – I hear a lot of people complain about the sailing, but it never really bothered me much. I didn't find it much different from hiking across Hyrule Field or meandering through mazes lined with trees in the 2D games. I also enjoyed the cel-shaded look it had going. The game was functional, the temples were satisfying, and the pseudo-romance(?) between Link and Tetra was positively adorable.
4. Twilight Princess – While this game remained largely true to the regular Zelda formula, one part made it stand out: Midna. I'll mention her in a later list, but let me just say that this game did more to characterize her that I connected with her more than any other in the series. The game's ending left me positively heart-broken. I hope this isn't the last time we see her.
3. Oracle of Ages – I don't care much about the 2D Zeldas, but this one was a lot of fun for me. The time travel mechanic, while in desperate need of a DeLorean, worked well and made for some clever puzzle solving.
2. Majora's Mask – I like to consider this game one long side quest. There are only four temples, so the side quests are all that hold the game up. I remember being hesitant when I first heard about the strict "three day" time limit, but after I first starting playing it, I realized that it adds a fun twist and never thought poorly of it again. It took all of the characters from Ocarina of Time and reimagined them into far more interesting people than its predecessor. Most importantly, just like Ocarina of Time, it was fun.
1. Ocarina of Time – I'm sure that anybody making one of these lists would have Ocarina of Time at number one, or at least very near the top. It's long, keeps side quests largely on the side, and has tight, intuitive controls. Most importantly, it's just bloody fun to play! I remember first playing this game at a friend's place, and demanding my father purchase it immediately after getting home. As the nostalgia piles up, I don't think any future Zelda games will knock this one out of place.

My Bottom Five Least Favorite Zelda Games:
5. The Legend of Zelda – A lot of people hold the original Zelda as an exemplar of classic gaming, but I found it boring and antiquated. In my mind, I choose to ignore the first two games and pretend that the Zelda series began with Link to the Past.
4. Oracle of Seasons – Jumping between time in Oracle of Ages was a lot of fun and clever, but jumping between seasons in this one lacked the same entertainment value. It also loses some points for forcing me to play it through just to see the "true" ending to Oracle of Ages.
3. Spirit Tracks – After releasing Phantom Hourglass with hideous controls, Team Zelda decided to release another sequel with the exact same controls and hope I wouldn't notice. Also, after hearing all of the complaints from people about sailing, they decide to include an even slower and less direct method of transport. Let us not forget the instant death Demon Trains that shoot you back to your last continue point, or, more appropriately, your last save point as you rage quit and throw your DS angrily (and gently) onto your couch. The only thing this game has going for it is one of the greatest "helper" characters in the series.
2. Adventure of Link – Some people like Zelda II and others, like myself, dislike it. It was boring and, for me at least, tough as nails.
1. Phantom Hourglass – I don't know what certain game reviewers were playing when they praised the controls, but I found the touch screen sword-fighting and movement to be completely ridiculous and an almost unplayable mess. Let us also forget about the completely unlikeable characters that inhabit the islands that take an eternity to reach. Worst of all, I hope the game designers are sent to Hell for making me return to the main temple after every boss battle to go through the same levels over and over again. I also haven't forgotten the point in the game where I had to check GameFAQs just to find out that I had to close the DS and reopen it to copy a map. Thanks for being a completely unintuitive mess of a game.

My Top Five Favorite Characters:
5. The Happy Mask Salesman (Majora's Mask) – Hilariously schizophrenic. That is all.
4. Anju (Majora's Mask) – Sure, Anju was technically in Ocarina of Time, but she was just a nobody with a strange cucco fetish. She really didn't become noticeable until Majora's Mask and the entire Kafei-Anju soap opera. I was going to make this entry another joint entry, but I actually thought Kafei was kinda creepy looking.
3. Kotake and Koume (Ocarina of Time) – Is there anything more fun to watch than two elderly twin sisters bicker? Granted, it was a short scene, but I was certainly laughing.
2. Midna (Twilight Princess) – Midna is such a fun character. She's a smug, cynical prankster that wormed her way in to my heart. Over the course of the game, her story was unraveled before the player and made my heart grow three sizes that day (I'm a marathon gamer when it comes to new Zelda entries). She was so cute and almost gave me a heart attack every time I made wolf-Link dash and Midna shout, "oh!" (note: three consecutive sentences with the word "heart". See why she's so high up the list?)
1. Zelda's Ghost (Spirit Tracks) – I realize that I roundly lambasted Spirit Tracks previously, but the reason that it ranked merely at number three was because of Zelda's role as support character. She is absolutely adorable and practically satirizes the entire Zelda series. One of my favorite scenes came when she and Link came to the central tower and said something along the lines of, "I'll wait here for you; it's sort of a family tradition." That actually made me put the game down and curl up in a fit of giggles. I would go so far as to say it's one of my favorite lines in all of gaming, but I think I'll save that for a future list.

My Bottom Five Least Favorite Characters:
5. Navi (Ocarina of Time) – I think we all know why Navi is on the list. I'm not going to bother with a paragraph.
4. Link (&c.) – The reason the main protagonist in all of the games is the same reason why I don't like Mario. These two famous game figures are not characters. They are generic entities that could be replaced by anything and we'd still have the same game. They're tools.
3. Kaepora Gaebora (Ocarina of Time) – Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. The master of the unskippable tutorial speech just halts the game progression every time, and I hate him for it. I don't care how far back his history goes, he's an annoyance.
2. The Mailman (Ocarina of Time, &c.) – This character is just creepy. He's just a little too into his job. I also think he's a stalker.
1. Tingle (Majora's Mask, &c.) – Why does this character continue appearing in Zelda games?

As I was driving down the highway about a week ago, I saw a truck for an appliance company which I will tactfully assign the pseudonym "Algernon's Appliance Superstore". While I can't speak for the quality of their inventory which I'm sure is, for the sake of preventing lawsuits, excellent, but it was the company logo that stood out to me. At first glance it looked an awful lot like the SS symbol.

First thought: How could no one notice this?

Second thought: They did, and they made it their marketing strategy. Algernon's Appliance Superstore is subtly trying to tap into the grossly underrepresented modern Nazi market. I wonder why they don't go further for this audience. Go ahead and make the company logo an exact copy of the schutzstaffel logo. I'm sure no one would step up to defend the copyright. Also, imagine the tagline potential!

Saw something like this over at IGN. With one major exception, I mostly disagreed. Here's my top ten:

10. Rodrigo Borgia (Assassin's Creed II)
How often do you get to kill a pope? Never! Rodrigo Borgia (aka Pope Alexander VI) has essentially the same goal as the protagonist: he wishes to know the true nature of God. To this end, he does everything in his power, including becoming Pope, solely to gain access to the Vatican. He murders the character's family, bribes countless people, and basically performs every dirty trick to become the holiest person in the world. This is truly great characterization.

9. Through the Fire and the Flames (Guitar Hero III)
For those of you who protest and say this isn't a villain, you obviously haven't played this yet. I still remember when I first beat this "boss" on Hard difficulty (I can't even get passed the first few seconds on Extreme). I just had the biggest grin on my face. I was so satisfied that I had to turn the game off. Granted, my arm felt like it was going to fall off so I couldn't play any longer if I tried, but it was still the opposite of a rage quit. It was a joy quit.

8. Majora's Mask (Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask)
Majora's Mask takes such a high spot because of its sheer gall. The mask comes across a heartbroken skullkid, freshly rejected by his group of buddies, and takes complete advantage of him to complete its own ends. He compounds upon his host's annoyance and amplifies it into pure rage and drives him to destroy the world of Termina. Add to that one of the creepiest forms a final boss can take and you have a true villain.

7. Dr Ivo Robotnik (Sonic the Hedgehog series)
The thing that brings the good doctor up this high on the list is how he is introduced in the first few games. His plan to take over the world: capture a bunch of tiny animals and turn them into robots. Why? What else would you use a robot-making machine for? Cyber-punking a credenza?

6. Sander Cohen (BioShock)
"So say goodbye to those two blowhards and hello to an evening with Sander Cohen." With those words, you are introduced to one of the maddest characters of all time. Plaster coated ballet dancers descend from the ceiling and the stage lights go on. He came to Rapture as an artist to work in complete freedom. This freedom allowed his out madness and, thankfully, gave the player a nice break from the Atlas-Ryan clash. It was my most memorable part of the game.

5. Gehn (Riven)
The man who fancies himself a god. He tries to murder his son, he imprisons his son's wife, and, if you play your cards right, he sings opera at you. His unstable ages are essentially a metaphor for an unstable mind. It's just so much fun to replay Riven to reach the end and meet this fascinating villain. I love it.

4. Revolver Ocelot (Metal Gear Solid series)
Just whose side are you on, Ocelot? I have played all four of the "Solid" games, and I'm still not completely sure. Either way, your choice of weapon and the skill in that speciality are top notch. Plus, your relationship with Snake, that of a friendlyish-rival, is so much fun to watch. Keep doing that hand gesture.

3. Alma Wade (FEAR)
FEAR. It remains the only game that truly scared me. I can basically give all of the credit for this to the creepy little girl that has a penchant for appearing at the top of a ladder forcing a rapid bowel evacuation upon the player. Best of all, she has a legitimate reason to be evil. Rather than trying to steal the princess or take over the kingdom, Alma was trained from birth to be a soldier, got knocked up against her will, had her children taken from her, then got put into stasis for years. She hates everyone, and I wouldn't have her any other way.

2. Psycho Mantis (Metal Gear Solid)
For me, the best video game villains are the ones that don't simply get into the player character's head, but get into the actual player's head. Aside from the one just above, no character does this better than Psycho Mantis. He doesn't just talk to you, he even checks out what games you've played and moves your controller across the table with his mind. It was genius and remains one of the most frustrating boss battles.

1. GLaDOS (Portal)
Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System. GLaDOS is your only companion. GLaDOS is your guide through the labs and trials ahead. GLaDOS is polite and, like any good host, offers cake. Oh, and GLaDOS is also going to murder you. The contrast is just amazing and mind-blowing. My favorite part is just "her" nonchalance when it comes to matters of death. "I was going to invite your best friend, the companion cube. But he couldn't come because you murdered him." By the gods, just brilliant. GLaDOS isn't just the best game villain, "she's" probably the best video game character of all time.

Honorable Mention: Bad Controls (Scribblenauts)
When I first acquired Scribblenauts, I was so excited. I became a god. At least, I felt that way until I actually started playing and realized that it was an unplayable mess. My wings melted and had my pessimistic weltanschauung reaffirmed.